This past weekend I attended the National association of Campus Activity conference in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, to pick comedians to come to SUNY Oneonta. We left in a van at 7am and a half hour into the ride the coffee I drank before leaving was already ready to burst out of my bladder. There is nothing worse than holding in a bladder filled with a grande cup of yellow coffee for four hours. I was literally hoping for a car accident so I would have an excuse to urinate in my gym shorts.There were a lot of attractive girls at the conference none of whom would even look in my direction. The conference itself was enjoyable but at night we would hang out in the lobby bar which was infested with pompous talent agents and singers who thought themeselves God’s gift to Jesus. One of the highlights of the trip actually was meeting Dennis Haskins. (Mr. Belding from “Saved by the bell”) He was there for the conference and being a star struck wallop I immediately introduced myself. We talked for a couple minutes and while I don’t remember what I said, it was probably things like “who did Zach like in real life?” and “was Screech really that big of a kook? lololol” He was actually a really nice guy and told me how he comes to Oneonta somewhat frequently and one time visited the Old Spanish Tavern.
Despite being a well run talent conference, I was in a crappy mood most of the conference due to lack of sleep and my awful sinuses. There is nothing worse than being surrounded by 500 peppy college kids when you feel crappy and hung over. The comedians featured in the showcase were all fairly decent. My favorite comedian was a stand-up named Eric O’shea. I talked to most of the comedians I enjoyed trying to get inside information from people who are actually in the business. Most comedians were very helpful and took the time to talk to me but others were not interested in chatting unless it was about them receiving a large check in exchange for an hour of clowning around on stage.
I did run into a lovely girl named Gia who I met at last year’s conference. She is a gorgeous blonde who looks like the lesbian from Chasing Amy. We would sporadically run into each other throughout the conference and I never ceased to make a complete ass out of myself every time. The last night of the conference there were a few people hanging out in our hotel room. I left to get I ran into Gia and her friend who were passing by my room. I asked where she was off to while trying not to sound like a creep. It didn’t help that my sinuses made me sound like I was Fran Drescher’s and Ray Romano’s love child. She said she was bored so they were walking around the hotel. I replied “oh cool, well I guess I’ll see ya around” There was a perfect opportunity to ask a lovely girl to hang out and I regress to autistic 2nd grader social capabilities.If I came home to a naked Victoria’s secret model laying on my bed I would find a way to make it awkward and end up not getting laid. Ugh. I have the social skills of the sloth from Goonies.
Despite being sick and sleepy for the entire conference I did end up meeting some interesting comedians and booked a few as well. I didn’t see Gia again however I do intend to facebook stalk her for a few weeks before adding her as a friend. I saw Mr. Belding the last night drinking at the bar. I really wanted to drink with him as we roll played classic scenes from Saved by the Bell. “Zach get your butt out of Kelly’s gym locker “But Mr. Belding I just wanted to peek” We would then share a long roaring laugh together and then he would agree to sign my adoption papers so I could become his son. The father son marriage would start great; Papa Belding would take me to baseball games and tell me bed time stories. Then it would start to get awkward as Mr. Belding would develop an violent ecstasy addiction and I would always be awakened by Belding have three ways with the has been actresses who played Jesse Spano and Lisa Turtle. Damnit Papa Belding.
Ugh, it's holloween and I have no costume. I think im just gonna rub smeared makeup over my face, put on a blonde wig and go as cracked out Cindy McCain. Yech.
-JM
