Well, another semester’s gone by and I have to say just one thing: Good Riddance, Bea Arthur. Now that that’s out of the way, it’s time for my end of the year wrap up on the things that have pissed me off to the point of punching infants or vomiting into a car’s sunroof. Enjoy.
1. – THE JONAS BROTHERS.
These three pricks are to music what Stevie Wonder is to Lens Crafters. I need to listen to this whiny trio like I need to be poked in the ass with a syringe filled with Magic Johnson’s blood. The fact that these so called “Rockers” became popular due to mickey mouse and a bunch of stupid kids makes me want to firebomb the Magic Kingdom. In it’s place I’d make a new theme park, “the Asshole Kingdom”. And in my fantasy land, the Jonas Brothers would be sodomized daily. Three showings a day (four if it’s a holiday).
2. – MEXICANS
Not all Mexicans. Just the ones that decided to get us sick. I’ll admit they pulled a fast one using pigs to get us, but we’ll overcome. We’ve lived through hurricanes, wars, bird flu, Reaganomics, Bush, crazy rednecks, bombings, mormons, and Michael Richards. Somehow we’ll get past this fuckin’ swine flu. You and your sombreros don’t scare me.
3 – NO GOOD HORROR MOVIES
Hannah Montana got a fucking movie. But did we see a good horror movie come out at all? No. We got a remake of Friday the 13th and the Haunting in Connecticut. Oooooooh. Big deal. I can remember a time when you couldn’t look at movie posters without seeing at least five that showed pictures of severed heads on it. Now we’ve got Monsters Vs Aliens, which is a bloodless film about Reese Witherspoon trying to fit in, and you’ve got the Wolverine Origins, which would have been a lot better if they had snuck in a quick disemboweling scene. Are directors scared of blood? Don’t they want to make a good, creepy, gory, disgusting horror movie to get people from seeing shit like “New In Town”? I think New In Town would have made a great premise for a horror movie if everyone in the new town was a cult member who ritualistically sacrificed Renee Zelweiger for a good 2 hours (Although come to think of it, that would probably be more of a comedy).
4 – DAVE MATTHEWS BAND.
They suck. Just wanted to throw that out there.
5 – OBAMA
Now before you get all uppity on me, I’m glad Obama won the election. It’s just the hype he delivered that I’m pissed off at. He made it sound like he was going to bring radical changes to the white house. My imagination kind of took off without me. Here’s what I envisioned the new administration would be: He gets sworn in on the moon. That’s right, the fucking moon. He then crash lands back on earth, goes to Afghanistan in a puddle jumper airplane, and dropkicks Osama Bin Laden in the throat. Upon returning, he fixes the economy by challenging it to a staring contest. Luckily, the president is high on PCP and angel dust, in a mixture he calls “THE OBAMARAMA”, and wins easily. Everyone gets a job, a house, and a flying car. A nuke is sent to Iraq killing all terrorists, but somehow leaving everyone else without a scratch. World hunger is solved by having four Denny’s Resturaunts dropped over Ethiopia. Weed is nationally legalized, but for some reason, Gay Marriage still isn’t.
Now THAT’S fuckin’ Change!
And finally
6 – IMPOSTERS
Hey, the Angry Long Islander is on an anonymous forumn, let’s all pretend to be him! It’ll be hilarious! HOW ABOUT NO!!! I wouldn’t have minded so much if the people who pretended to be me were all funny. Instead I got a bunch of mental defects who don’t know shit about shit. If you posted under my name and weren’t funny at all, I hope you get the worst kind of irreversible, crippling testicle disease that an angry god can create. I hope your kids are born with gingivitis and bad skin, and that you are killed in a freak boating accident that somehow involves the AIDS virus. I think that about covers it.
Well, that’s my wrap up. It’s been a blast doing the column for all you crazy bastards, and if Pwneonta’s still around next semester, I’ll be more than happy to continue doing this shit. Keep your eyes on the stars, because if the posts on my page are any indication, you’ll never be one.
I’m out of here bitches, keep it crazy.
- THE ANGRY LONG ISLANDER.
1. – THE JONAS BROTHERS.
These three pricks are to music what Stevie Wonder is to Lens Crafters. I need to listen to this whiny trio like I need to be poked in the ass with a syringe filled with Magic Johnson’s blood. The fact that these so called “Rockers” became popular due to mickey mouse and a bunch of stupid kids makes me want to firebomb the Magic Kingdom. In it’s place I’d make a new theme park, “the Asshole Kingdom”. And in my fantasy land, the Jonas Brothers would be sodomized daily. Three showings a day (four if it’s a holiday).
2. – MEXICANS
Not all Mexicans. Just the ones that decided to get us sick. I’ll admit they pulled a fast one using pigs to get us, but we’ll overcome. We’ve lived through hurricanes, wars, bird flu, Reaganomics, Bush, crazy rednecks, bombings, mormons, and Michael Richards. Somehow we’ll get past this fuckin’ swine flu. You and your sombreros don’t scare me.
3 – NO GOOD HORROR MOVIES
Hannah Montana got a fucking movie. But did we see a good horror movie come out at all? No. We got a remake of Friday the 13th and the Haunting in Connecticut. Oooooooh. Big deal. I can remember a time when you couldn’t look at movie posters without seeing at least five that showed pictures of severed heads on it. Now we’ve got Monsters Vs Aliens, which is a bloodless film about Reese Witherspoon trying to fit in, and you’ve got the Wolverine Origins, which would have been a lot better if they had snuck in a quick disemboweling scene. Are directors scared of blood? Don’t they want to make a good, creepy, gory, disgusting horror movie to get people from seeing shit like “New In Town”? I think New In Town would have made a great premise for a horror movie if everyone in the new town was a cult member who ritualistically sacrificed Renee Zelweiger for a good 2 hours (Although come to think of it, that would probably be more of a comedy).
4 – DAVE MATTHEWS BAND.
They suck. Just wanted to throw that out there.
5 – OBAMA
Now before you get all uppity on me, I’m glad Obama won the election. It’s just the hype he delivered that I’m pissed off at. He made it sound like he was going to bring radical changes to the white house. My imagination kind of took off without me. Here’s what I envisioned the new administration would be: He gets sworn in on the moon. That’s right, the fucking moon. He then crash lands back on earth, goes to Afghanistan in a puddle jumper airplane, and dropkicks Osama Bin Laden in the throat. Upon returning, he fixes the economy by challenging it to a staring contest. Luckily, the president is high on PCP and angel dust, in a mixture he calls “THE OBAMARAMA”, and wins easily. Everyone gets a job, a house, and a flying car. A nuke is sent to Iraq killing all terrorists, but somehow leaving everyone else without a scratch. World hunger is solved by having four Denny’s Resturaunts dropped over Ethiopia. Weed is nationally legalized, but for some reason, Gay Marriage still isn’t.
Now THAT’S fuckin’ Change!
And finally
6 – IMPOSTERS
Hey, the Angry Long Islander is on an anonymous forumn, let’s all pretend to be him! It’ll be hilarious! HOW ABOUT NO!!! I wouldn’t have minded so much if the people who pretended to be me were all funny. Instead I got a bunch of mental defects who don’t know shit about shit. If you posted under my name and weren’t funny at all, I hope you get the worst kind of irreversible, crippling testicle disease that an angry god can create. I hope your kids are born with gingivitis and bad skin, and that you are killed in a freak boating accident that somehow involves the AIDS virus. I think that about covers it.
Well, that’s my wrap up. It’s been a blast doing the column for all you crazy bastards, and if Pwneonta’s still around next semester, I’ll be more than happy to continue doing this shit. Keep your eyes on the stars, because if the posts on my page are any indication, you’ll never be one.
I’m out of here bitches, keep it crazy.
- THE ANGRY LONG ISLANDER.
This thread.
ReplyDeleteTHIS THREAD.
You are NOT funny Angry LIer. You are not funny at all.
ReplyDeleteMy name is Anonymous and I approve of all above statements.
ReplyDeleteTry starting a blog for "Oneonta" (Not much going on here, in case you didn't realize) and writing new posts every day while you have essays and finals and projects - just like other full-time students here.
ReplyDeleteUnless you have something worthwhile to contribute to the site, please lay off the lewd comments. We do what we can, and when I keep reading stuff like this, it makes me want to post less.
And hurts my feelings. We are real people, you know.
Have a good summer.